I do. I actively seek love out
I search for love that will scream and shout
Joyous noises from deep within the soul
Are my delicious, naughty, sexual goal
Guttural grunts and animal growls
Piercing screams and midnight howls
Yelling, laughing, cries of joy
If you’re noisy then I’m your boy
If I find something makes you moan
I’ll stay there until you start to groan
And as you start to reach your peak
I’ll find a way to make you shriek
And if you’re not tripping yet
I’ll find a way to make you dripping wet
I’ll stop and start all over again
Make sure you know that I’m a friend
Be gentle and light, like a feather’s touch
Do all the things you like so much
Licking, kissing, stroking, ALMOST biting
If you really want, some play fighting
No fists, no nails, no vice like grips
Just enough to make you bite your lips
Just enough so you can feel the pressure
Knowing I’ll let you go at your leisure
I’ll lift you up and push you down
Gently persuade you to turn around
Tenderly squeeze your secret side
Just enough so we can slide
And when that becomes too much to bear
I’ll move so you can touch down there
And as you start to lose control
I’ll listen for the sound of your soul
And as it rises from deep within
I’ll listen quietly to the sound of sin.
I’ve pleaded with my heart to stop beating
Begged for my lungs to stop breathing
Wished for my eyes to shut for the last time.
Claimed death as my only goal
Asked the Devil to devour my soul
Prayed for God to punish my crime.
I’ve wanted love to leave me cold
For my family ties to let go of their hold
Given reason to violent men to end my life.
Pushed away all chance of hope
Admitted that I really can’t cope
Caressed my wrists with a cold, sharp knife.
I’ve been dizzy with desire at the water’s edge
Trusted the wind on the highest ledge
Not cared which way I’d fall.
Allowed speeding traffic to make my choice
Been silent when I could’ve used my voice.
Responded positively to suicide’s call.
But I’ve changed the way my hatred works
I’ve taken it off me and given it to jerks
Decided I’m worth each breath I take.
Planned ahead for the first time in years
Allowed joy to be the reason for my tears
Accepted that part of my life was…just a mistake.
I’m sharing these thoughts with freedom from pain
Knowing I’m far from being happy or sane
Controlled each moment is all that I’ve done.
Loving isn’t the only way I spend my days
But, I’m hoping this happiness stays
I’m enjoying the silliness, the smiles and the fun.
The sound of the waves called him to the shore. They didn’t whisper his name but they called him just the same.
From his room in the city he heard their call: in the ‘whoosh’ of vehicles passing, in the lift as the doors shut, captured in the passing of a plane overhead as it’s drone bounced off skyscrapers, the rustle of papers on the rush hour train… he heard the sea at every turn, even as he put his head on the pillow that night.
When he woke the next morning, he decided he wasn’t going in today. After phoning and mentioning a migraine in his lacklustre apology he, like a man possessed, grabbed his wallet and keys and ran out of the building towards the station. He didn’t have much time before the other workers might spot him.
Before he had time to think about it he was on the train. Dawn began to break behind him as the train left the station.
He was wide awake. His only thought was to get to the sea.
Madness had taken him. He didn’t mind, he was glad to watch the change in the landscape as city turned to suburbs and suburbs turned to countryside.
An hour of fields, forests, hills, lakes calmed him.
He knew he was close so he stopped looking out of the window. He wanted his first view of the sea to be real, not through glass with scratches and graffiti.
As the train pulled in he put his head down and walked towards the exit knowing that in 5 minutes he’d be there in front of it.
Not many people got off, hundreds got on, ready for their day of work.
He wasn’t going to work today, today he was going to breathe.
He could smell it. If he lifted his head he could have seen it but he kept his head down and pushed through the commuters rushing for their next train.
Standing at the crossroads, his finger pushing the button over and over, he wondered if he should have brought swimwear.
The traffic finally stopped and he was free to cross, 30 more strides and he’d be at the rail, follow the railing and he’d be on the sand. The traffic started moving behind him as he put his hand on the rail.
The tension in his neck doubled.
So desperate to look yet so desperate not to look had made his muscles taut. Taking a deep breath through his nose and filling his lungs he saw the sand ahead and he let the air out as he stepped onto it.
He lifted his head, turned to the sea and strode out, eyes wide open.
He’d got lucky, no one was there yet.
There were fresh footprints but no one about.
Paw prints and bird’s prints told him stories he didn’t care about.
The traffic noise had gone, taken over by the rush of blood in his head.
Slowly he focussed on the waves lapping on the shore as he stepped towards them.
He stopped and took his shoes and socks off. Leaving them on the drier sand, he stepped into the water, the cold was shocking but he was determined to be surrounded by the sea’s call.
He was there.
He closed his eyes and breathed with the sea. Sunk a little into the sand. Breathed again. Swayed with the sea. Allowed the sea in until he was part of it. The sea became she.
She breathed with him. She filled his mind. She touched him. She held him. She took him out to the depths. She let him float. She pulled him down and swallowed him. She caressed his brow. She held him closer. In her he felt peace. In her he was silent. In her he was happy.